Catherine Mousley (34) ostala je trudna u januaru 2017. Ona i njen partner Chris donijeli su veoma tešku odluku da prekinu trudnoću u 17. sedmici nakon što su njihovom djetetu dijagnosticirani hromozomska anomalija i Downov sindrom.

Ipak, Catherine je ponovno ostala trudna i u maju 2018. rodila je sina Jakea. Tada je počela osjećati grižnju savjesti zbog pobačaja.

“Rodila sam Jakea i na Instagramu gledala savršene prikaze majčinstva. Počela sam osjećati da nisam dovoljno dobra majka. Željela sam okončati svoj život. Jednostavno sam smatrala da ne zaslužujem biti majka jer sam prvom djetetu okončala život. Bila sam na ivici, bilo mi je teško biti oko Jakea i donijela sam odluku da sve to prekinem”, ispričala je, a prenosi Daily Mail.

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. I’ve never really been a fan of Christmas. Call me a grinch or a ‘bah humbug’ but I’ve always found the festive period rather difficult & overwhelming. Between various mental illnesses & strained family dynamics, it’s felt intolerable in places & somewhat tense. I’ve always longed for it to be over before it had even begun. Last year was no exception. It was Jake’s first Christmas and I found myself wanting to make it extra special. I knew he wouldn’t remember it but we would. I wanted it to be as magical as a John Lewis advert. I wanted to sit around a twinkling tree, sipping hot chocolate & smiling at each other. I wanted to buy thoughtful & perfectly wrapped gifts to give out to family. I wanted us to be happy, to laugh & enjoy pulling crackers around a table laden with food. I wanted it to live up to the perfect narrative of Christmas that’s splashed everywhere from mid November. Except two weeks before the big day, I took an overdose & it was debatable that I would even be allowed out of hospital for Christmas. We were supposed be in Ireland but the MBU wouldn’t let me fly. We cancelled the flights & I felt terrible for letting everyone down. On the day itself I was allowed home for a few hours. There were no presents, no hot chocolate, no laughter & I struggled to eat Christmas dinner. We tried to enjoy the little time we did have but I was miserable inside. I felt ashamed & an awful mother for ruining Jake’s first Christmas. In the end I asked Chris to take me back early because I didn’t feel safe in the outside world. It was too happy, too bright, too much pressure, too joyful, full of too much expectation & just too much to cope with. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ This year, I have no expectations of myself or anyone else. I’m not aiming for a perfect Christmas, or even a happy one. I’m just aiming to feel comfortable & content. It can be a difficult enough time without the added stress of feeling like you need to enjoy every minute. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Whatever you are doing or not doing, who you are with or without or wherever you may be; I hope you the next few days are kind to you. Have a restful Christmas. Photos – 2018 👉🏻 2019

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Povrijedila je samu sebe i to pokušala učiniti još jednom. Danas joj je drago da nije uspjela.

“Iako imam posljedice neuspjelih pokušaja suicida, shvaćam da život nudi toliko toga”, dodaje.

S tjeskobom se borila kroz cijelu drugu trudnoću. Strahovala je da bi i drugo dijete mogla izgubiti i brinula je da će nešto poći po zlu.

“Nisam se mogla nositi sa svime”, kaže.

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. (Continued from previous post) ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 10 years later, I’m so pleased to say that I’ve been laxative free for 2 ½ years. After several false starts, it took me a year to wean myself off them and I’m amazed that my body still operates normally. I felt pretty sure I was staring a colostomy bag in the face from 15 years of abuse, but it’s bounced back better than I ever could have imagined. As I reduced the laxatives, I supplemented with more natural remedies until I no longer needed those either. It feels pretty incredible to be free of something that impacted upon my life in so many ways. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ My relationship with food and my body is much healthier. I appreciate it much more for what it allows me to do and the fact it has granted me the ability to carry two pregnancies when I fully believed I would never be able to have children. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Although I do still struggle with bulimia and other associated behaviours, I am always working hard on reducing those. Where I was once binging and purging 7-8 times a day, it’s now down to 1-2 times a week. I’m determined to make that weekly thing into a monthly behaviour as a next step. It’s very much a day by day thing but I love the fact that recovery has conceded me to join in socially with food related activities. I’m no longer filled with fear when asked out for dinner and drinks. I’m also able to eat fairly regular meals, no longer being consumed with panic at the calories and have days where I do graze on unhealthy food without having to partake in a behaviour to counteract that. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ My mood is always a work in process due to external factors but thanks to suitable medication and exercise it proceeds to be fairly stable. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Let’s see your 10 year mental health challenge! Tag me or use the hashtag #10yearmentalhealthchallenge ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Maybe for you, it feels like there is no change but the fact you are still here and fighting speaks volumes. Be proud of who and where where you were then and now 💪🏻

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Catherine ima historiju mentalnih bolesti. Od 12. godine patila je od anoreksije i bulimije, kao i tjeskobe i depresije. Vjeruje da je za sve što joj se događalo u posljednjih godinu i po dana djelomično kriv i traumatičan porođaj koji je dugo trajao.

“Kad su mi Jakea stavili na prsa, nisam osjećala ništa. Nije bilo naleta ljubavi. Kad sam došla kući, bila sam još uvijek u šoku. Okrenula sam se pretjeranom čišćenju kuće jer sam htjela imati kontrolu nad nečim”, pojašnjava.

Dijagnosticiran joj je granični poremećaj ličnosti, sina je htjela dati na usvajanje, a onda si je u novembru i decembru 2018. pokušala oduzeti život.

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. Conceive fast, without assistance or else you’ve failed to function as a woman. Be pregnant and glowing, but don’t complain about sickness & sore feet because then you aren’t grateful. Feed yourself well but don’t overeat because then you’ll gain too much weight. Don’t have a bump that’s too big or too small; people will assume they have the right to judge and pass comment on either situation. Have a drug free, vaginal birth; if you end up having a C-section, then you haven’t given birth naturally. Fall in love instantly or you won’t bond with your baby. When breastfeeding in public is offensive but formula feeding is frowned upon. Lose that weight fast and fit back into your jeans to conform to societies expectations. Being told co-sleeping is dangerous but rocking your baby to sleep is wrong. Make sure your baby sleeps well but if you sleep train, it means you don’t love your baby. Put your baby on a schedule because if you don’t then it means you have no control over them. Stimulate them but don’t put them in a bouncer because its detrimental to their development. Hold them but not too much in case you spoil them. Stay at home to look after them because if you don’t, then you haven’t raised them properly. Go back to work or it means you’ve given up on your career and dreams. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ • STOP •⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ •TAKE • THE • PRESSURE • OFF•⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ In society, pregnancy and motherhood are often represented in unrealistic, idealised ways. We are bombarded with information and advice at every given opportunity which can make it harder to adjust to life with a new baby. We may set ourselves unachievable goals & then become overwhelmed, find it difficult to cope, or feel as though we’ve failed.  You are NOT a failure. There is no such thing as a perfect mother – so let’s drop the guilt. It’s hard to feel like you are being a good mum when you’re lacking in assurance, comparing yourself to others and constantly stressed about doing things right. There is no right or wrong. Be confident when everyone wants to tell you what you should be doing. This is YOUR motherhood. Own it. #thisismymotherhood

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Uz lijekove i terapiju uspjela je prevladati sve probleme.

Bliska je sa sinom Jakeom i radi puno radno vrijeme. Njena priča je i dio dokumentarca Louisa Therouxa, a na društvenim mrežama potiče majke sa sličnim teškoćama da joj se jave kako bi im pomogla.

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